From Y to Y
by pocketful.of.stars
Summary: Renji contemplates about his feelings after a battle with his captain. ByaRen. OOC. Songfic. Fluff. First Fanfic :D


Disclaimer: I . DON'T . OWN . THE . CHARACTERS. ! (there I said it :D)

Song: From Y to Y by Miku Hatsune (No I don't own the song or the singer either)

Pairings: Bya x Ren

Summary: Renji contemplates over his feelings after a battle with his captain. ByaRen

RENJI POV

* * *

**You started walking, turning your back on me  
without exchanged words  
In my wavered mind, I cried out like a child  
Don't go, don't go, say...**

I lay there on the ground, too weak and drained of energy to move even a muscle. Around me, scattered pieces of what was my Bankai and I see nothing but red; a bloody crimson colour. Captain, why? You had fought with diluted determination, and yet you had beaten me, who had all the motivation in Soul Society, like I was just a spider on the wall. Am I really that weak? Captain, tell me, what went through your head when you turned around and wordlessly walked away from my beaten body? Nothing at all, I'd assume.

**I started walking, turning my back on**

**I have to go before my tears drop  
Pretending that I dislike myself being too happy,  
I was bluffing, and let go of my ideal future  
I can't get back my wish**

Really, Captain, you used to be a goal for me to reach. You have no idea how much that has changed. What should be regret and hatred for you after that fateful battle, has been replaced by unusually warm feelings of admiration and something more. I don't even know if that's a bad thing or not.

**In limited memories and time**

**like what pick one in a today up, and then let one in a past off  
The existence of me who just stayed there  
From your memory, it will be erased**

Two minutes early, and I find myself in front of our squad's office. Never did I find it so difficult to just knock on the paper doors. My hand trembles centimetres from the _shoji,_ the incomprehensible hesitation working its way into my nerves.

"Abarai-fukutaicho," a stone-cold voice murmurs from behind the screen.

I jump, cursing my inability to keep my body in control. Slowly, I slide the paper door to my right, my eyes greeting the delicate face of my never changing captain.

"The paperwork for today is on your desk. Please have it completed by 8pm tonight." His words, distant and indifferent, tear through my heart like his Senbonzakura had almost torn me through during our last battle.

Our last battle…

How can he so calmly give me orders like nothing had happened between us? Hadn't it affected him in anyway? The thoughts fly about in my mind, distracting me from planting my half-assed scrawl on the pieces of paper. And I still had a whole pile of useless papers sitting before me, waiting to be scribbled on. My face contorts itself into a frown, and I heave a heavy sigh thinking everything that had happen, and everything that might happen.

**Can we never turn back again?**

**Is this place the beginning or the end?**

Stealing occasional glances, I notice how your hair elegantly drapes itself over your shoulders and upper back and how it dimly shimmers in the sunlight. Even your alabaster skin seems to glow while you gently flick your brush to form exquisite signatures on the page. Isn't fair to be powerful and still have handsome features on the surface of your cold personality, y'know that Captain?

**The night I'm sleeping in a large bed still isn't over**

**I will dream in lonely again  
The dream that I trace your memory  
I've ever repeated sin so much that I can't count  
One is I touched your hand  
One is I tried to live gently next to you**

That last piece of paper left to sign was like a dream to me. My fingers stiff, I gathered the entire stack of paperwork and lifted myself from the wooden, a couple of my bones silently cracking as I did so. Captain was still carefully doing away with his own pile of paperwork, his grey eyes showing no signs of tiring. With a heavy thump, I set my papers on the side of his desk, giving in to another silent sigh which worked its way out of my pent up frustration.

"Abarai-fukutaichou, you're done for tonight. You can go."

His words as indifferent as ever, ripping away another piece of my heart. My limbs had died on the spot, refusing to move anymore as I continue to stare at the papers which now sat on another desk other than mine.

"Abarai-fukutaichou?" came my captain's voice, which carried a hint of mutual worry. Should I?

"Taichou, I….,"

_It seemed as though eternity had passed._

I never got to finish, as I turned, and headed for the paper doors which had barred my way this morning.

_I can't. Not yet_**  
**

**I'll atone by pain of loneliness,  
Please you let me stay gently in your memory**

Walking away, with my back to what seemed like the most difficult part of my life, I absentmindedly wander back to where I first opened my eyes this morning; back home Opening the door to my home was like releasing whatever negativity was left inside me. Not bothering with the shower, I carelessly flop onto my bed, staring at the stars which hung above the night sky.

_Coward._

Yeah, I'm a coward. I couldn't even utter those three simple words. But then, who can, when they want to confess an emotional matter to a seemingly uncaring captain. Hopefully though, one day maybe I will.

******I wish we meet up again in former mind**

**Then let's be hand in hand  
Till it's that time,  
"See you again"**

Maybe when time comes, when I am able to look you level in the eyes without a trace of doubt in my heart, perhaps I'll tell you then. Until then, I'll wait.

_"Taichou, I love you"._

おわり_  
_

* * *

Oh gawd. I realised how OOC Renji was after I finished.

*goes and sulks in the corner*

Please don't kill me.

Yep, it's my very first fanfic, and rubbish too, but all the same please leave reviews! THEN, maybe I'll be able to write decent stories next time :D

ありがとうございます!


End file.
